Bangkok

Crazy, chaotic, choc-a-block - that's bonkers Bangkok. Singapore, our last port of call, is slick and sophisticated - clean and crisp like a newly-ironed white shirt.
Thailand's steamy and sultry Venice of the East is the polar opposite. It's mad, sometimes bad, frustratingly unpredictable, hugely exciting - and as faded as your oldest and favourite pair of Levis.
We have flown into in an urban jungle where 10 million souls bust a gut to make an honest or, in some cases, a dishonest baht (50b = £1).
Bangkok is a total assault on the senses - a capital city where abject poverty (riverside shacks) and extreme wealth (five-star 30-storey tower blocks) make odd bedfellows - and where scams are two a penny. Its streets are frenetic, clogged with fumes from millions of cars, taxis and tuk-tuks (three-wheeled taxis).
Thailand's capital is a mass of contrasts and contradictions - one minute ugly duckling, the next a beautiful white swan.
You can take your life in your own hands crossing a street - and utter a little prayer that you made it safely to the other side - and, in the same breath, gasp at the sheer majesty of an ancient temple or palace that magically appears in front of you.
Unmissable is a trip along the Chao Phraya River - the main artery of the city - either by public boat (25 baht - 50p a head) or by chartering a long tail boat (1,000 baht - £10 a head).
We do both - and they are equally rewarding. Going public on the riverboat is crowded, but fun. The longboat experience on river and canals is a little like taking a gondola in Italy's crowning jewel - but without the cornetto.
The river is the lifeblood of the city, where you can watch vendors and hawkers sell their wares from creaking old boats - John buys a can of Chang beer for 40 baht (80p) from one - and the locals cooking from their rickety riverside homes perched on pillars.
It is used for trade, travel and even bathing. We Westerners and first-time visitors to this astonishing city watch a middle-aged man washing himself down on his humble wooden porch with water as murky brown as the Thames.
Whichever way you decide to journey on 'The River of Kings' (we did both for the experience ) the boats will bring you to a holy trinity of ancient temples - Wat Phra Kaew housing the former royal residence the Grand Palace and the nation's most revered icon the Emerald Buddha; the imposing and awesome Wat Arun, named after the India god of dawn Aruna; and, our personal fave, the magnificent Wat Pho - the oldest and largest of Bangkok's temples dating from the 16th century and whose centrepiece is the massive 46metres long and 15m high Reclining Buddha.
Breath-taking does not even begin to describe this gilt gold architectural wonder. Gob-smacking begins to do it justice, but also falls short. Mind-blowing - probably.
It's here at magical Wat Pho that Chris decides to have a spot of reflexology. As well as our new-found friend the Reclining Buddha, the temple also houses a massage school, with students of the age old art honing their skills inside two pavilions.
While John (Wat-ted out at this stage) is happy to catch his breath by sitting in the shade for an hour, Chris lets her masseur go to work and emerges from her experience feeling rejuevenated (although one of her toes hasn't quite clicked back into place just yet). John resists temptation for a wisecrack - feeling discretion should be the be tter part of valour. Toe alive and kicking a few hours later and all previous aches and pains banished. Massage declared a big hit.
From the old world to the new. While Bangkok is steeped in jewel-encrusted ancient and sacred sites, the city also worships at the altar of the modern.
The Skytrain at 25baht each is a great way to travel. This elevated rail network gives you a bird's eye-view of the city below. You are sailing above its notorious traffic jams. To the side are monstrous tower blocks, building sites that look like Ground Zero, homes that resemble tin shacks and also massive modern malls, shopping complexes and markets.
Some of these mega centres are tourist hot spots in their own right. The Skytrain takes us from our hotel in Sukhumvit to Siam Square. Housed there is The Paragon - the ritziest and glitziest of Bangkok's malls.
A walk to the nearby street markets will take into another world - one of pirated goods, where you barter for just about any item under the sun, including fake Rolex watches and Rayban sunglasses that look the real deal. The stalls, with their silk fabrics, jewellery, arts and crafts, are a riot of colour.
Food is taken seriously here and some of the best comes straight from the street. Day or night stalls entice you with their delicious aromas from noodle soups to fresh prawns and fried rice. Yes, there are top restaurants here, but you won't eat better or cheaper than at the street stalls. Like New York, Bangkok is a 24-hour city and there is nothing quite like taking the lift 46 storeys up to the Sirocco Sky Bar for a rooftop look at the world way down below as the sun sets. Here as dusk turned to night we sipped cocktails and Coronas (not the pop but Mexico's finest amber nectar), catching cooling breezes and star-gazing. Below us the city dazzled as brightly as any of the colourful figures we had stared at in awe at its temples and palaces.
Bangkok we discovered was starting to work its considerable magic on us. Sure there is widespread pollution, squalor and poverty, con artists, rip-off merchants, tuk-tuk (tuck you up more like) drivers on the make and the most improbable and ingenious of scams to lull you into a false sense of security (Temples closed for two hours today, boss. We take you in tuk-tuk for tour of city for 400 baht and bring you back when it has opened again. Yeh, sure buster).
Give it time, though, and you'll find (we certainly did) that underneath its outwardly lurid and often seedy skin lies a city of substantial charm and sights that are truly heaven-sent.
This steaming corner of South-East Asia is as diverse a place as we have certainly been to - a city with a distinct split personality. It's dirty, dusty, overcrowded and some of its punters downright dishonest. There is also much to marvel at - A Tale of Two Cities for sure.