Phuket

The 'Pearl of the Andaman' is all things to all men, women and kateoys (ladyboys). Phuket is Thailand's largest island. It's also the most developed by a country mile, but to deny that it is beautiful would be criminal. This is home to huge cliffs, a twisting coastal road that is a photographer's dream - the higher you climb the better the vista below, and the sunsets between Nai Harn and Kata on the west are awesome - long stretches of golden, or pure white, sand and brilliant blue-green seas. There is certainly something of Corfu about it. Thailand meets the Med goes some way to summing it up. But there is another side too - plenty of tat, sleaze, girlie bars, strip joints, sex tourists (the number of 60-plus white males with young Thai girls on their arms is an eye-opener for us Sketty suburbanites) and some rather worse for wear British (I Love Thailand T-shirt) holidaymakers (no, we were not among them, we'll have you know). Bid our last destination Koh Lanta a fond farewell - maybe, and hopefully, to return one day to this unspoilt gem (our Diamond of the Andaman) and catch the ferry to Phuket. It's a three-hour crossing - one on a rather overcowded tub to Koh Phi-Phi Don. But we don't get off at pier. Instead we quite literally jump ship (suitcases and rucksacks too) - the two vessels berth side by side - for final two-hour journey on a much bigger and more comfortable craft. Plenty of room to stretch out in shaded area on middle deck - it's a really hot (35C) day - and enjoy some lovely island scenery on voyage across. Arrive at Phuket ferry terminal. It's baking, dusty, sweaty, chaotic and unattractive. Barry Island was never like this - even before Gav & Stacey's day. Bit of a lucky dip - and a little research (Lonely Planet doesn't half help) - takes us towards north-west coast by taxi and quiet resort of Surin Beach. Check into Surin Bay Inn, a nice family-run guest house/hotel, which has a lovely beach a minute's walk away. Soon discover a very different world from Koh Lanta here. Phuket so much more commercialised and westernised, and certainly more expensive than Lanta. Surin, however, we love. The beach is heaven-sent, and it's only two baht a day each (four quid) for the most comfortable sun-loungers and sun umbrellas on the planet. Waiters at the nearby beach bar also bring your drinks to your little table, so you don't have to move a muscle - which we don't very much. It's a place to relax, unwind and get one's teeth into the last of Stieg Larsson's Millennium trilogy. Twenty minutes south, however, it's an altogether different story as a taxi ride to Patong confirms. This is the Costa del Sol Thai style - lobster-red tourists with beer bellies, wall to wall bars, go-go dancers and clubs trying to outdo each other on which can top the garish neon lights stakes and pump up the bass volume the loudest. Sounds gross? Not a bit of it. A sense of humour and an open mind helps. Perch ourselves onto bar stools overlooking a street one back from the beach to spend a wonderful hour just people-watching as dusk turns to dark. Some spectacular Lola lookalikes pass us by - ''Girls will be boys and boys will be girls. It's a mixed up, muddled up shook up world'' (to coin a couple of lines from one of the great Ray Davies classics). Phuket has its fair share of kateoys or ladyboys (male-to-female transvestites) and Ping Pong (table tennis it's not) shows (you can look it up on Wikipedia. This is a family blog). Needless to say the Patong touts were out in their hundreds on raucous party street Soi Bangla after dark and we were offered plenty of PP opportunities, but politely declinded. We were having fun, but did we want more? Maybe when we are in our 70s. The Lolas, it has to be said, were stunning. Guys we defy you to tell the difference, and gals you would die for a figure like theirs, truly. In fairness, Patong - another serious casualty of the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami and which has since been reborn - was a blast for a few hours. The problem is you get Patonged and Ping Pong-offered out pretty quickly and, after being fed and watered, we were more than happy to hail a taxi just before midnight to drop us back to the more laidback confines of Surin. Phuket's a bit like football. For funny old game, read funny old place. It's home to peasants and millionaires, shanty towns and five-star hotels, smiling Buddhist monks and dirty old men chasing their young Thai girl dream. You can party until dawn, or do next to nothing. Take your pick. It's mixed up, muddled up and shook up - just like Lola. Cambodia lies around the corner, but to get there we are dropping back into Bangkok for a couple of nights. We are going to stay near to the river this time around - close to where the ancient city sprang up. Strangely a city we were at first ambivalent about is now luring us back. Underneath her brash and sometimes ugly exterior lays a secretive and seductive charm. Bangkok is a little like peeling an onion - there are layers galore. We hope to unravel a few more of its many mysteries on our next visit.